Home, Health + Happiness

I’ll start off by saying this will be a very different type of blog post. It may not be what you’re looking for or interested in especially if you come to my site for home organizing tips. But if it’s exactly what you need to read at this moment, then I’m so glad I’m writing it.

If you follow me on IG, you know that I recently went through a breakup and an unexpected move. While I hope to one day talk in detail about the experience, for a few reasons, I just can’t yet. I will say now that the relationship (which started in January of 2020) was a really good one for most of the year. Or at least it was from my perspective. 

We moved in together in January of 2021 and almost immediately, like within a couple of days of living together, it dissolved into something of a nightmare. Again, I don’t want to talk too many details at this time but just so you can understand how serious it was, abuse and addiction (not on my part) were heavily involved. 

The relationship ended at the end of July 2021 (6 months later than it should have been tbh) and he promptly removed his personal things from the apartment. We had very little communication afterwards but were able to decide that he would move back into the apartment for the remainder of the lease and I would move out. Financially, it made more sense given our current circumstances.

It’s an understatement to say that I was devastated at first to leave.

I was SO excited to move into the space and to organize it from scratch. While it was almost completed, there were a few spaces that I never got to finish (like the master closet and the office/guest room). Uhh and please notice how I expressed how devastated I was to leave the apartment, not the relationship …

Don’t get me wrong, I was at first. I spent a few days glued to the couch, thinking I would never stop crying and refusing to eat, mourning what I thought was going to be a life with someone. But something snapped in me and very easily allowed me to emotionally detach from him and the relationship. Once that happened, I felt like a literal weight was lifted off my shoulders and I felt free. I actually felt HAPPY. 

But on my last night in the apartment, I was looking at some photos of and cards between us that I left on his desk (and told him he could do what he wants with them - I am not about holding onto items that contain bad memories) and found myself feeling sad for a few minutes. One of the things I was looking through was a photo book I made him for Christmas 2020. It contained photos of just the two of us from special moments (first time at the beach, first night out after quarantine, etc.). Shortly after I gave it to him, he was mad at me about something and actually said he believed the gift wasn’t for him but for myself because I chose photos that only I looked good in … ok?

Anyway, I wasn’t looking at myself in those photos. I was looking at him and how his face changed over the course of the year. He went from what looked like a happy and healthy man for most of the year to ... not by December. 

And while I don’t blame myself whatsoever for his decline (despite him blaming me) as I would come to find out about his demons that were present long before me, I realized something. I was so wrapped up at the end of 2020 in moving in together and all the busyness that comes with it that I might have missed whatever was brewing in him.

And in addition to updating you/explaining why I’ve taken some time off of blogging (and what’s next!), this is kinda what I want to talk about today.

Moving and making a nice, organized home was like the be all, end all of my life at that moment in time. Having a nice, organized home actually has always been the be all, end all for me. And I’ve finally figured out why.

Oof ok, I’m about to go a bit deep here!

Only people who have known me since I was very young know this: my brother was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer when he was 3 and I was 5. He would spend a lot of time in the hospital, with quite a few in patient visits, while I was shuffled around. I mostly stayed with my grandparents or one of my aunts and even though I was too young to appreciate the sacrifices everyone made, I know it now. However, I did feel a lack of stability at a young age when it came to a home that I think I’ve always carried with me.

In addition, I come from a really big family on either side (dad is one of 5 and mom is one of 6) so whenever aunts and uncles came to visit my brother, they brought presents. Mostly stuffed animals and hats for his rapidly balding little head. And because my family is so generous, they also brought me presents. Once my brother had surgery and was finally cancer free and all four of us were steadily back home under one roof, that home was now filled with those presents. That’s when the clutter really started to my memory. My mom is a very sentimental person and refused to let any of it go as time went on. The walls started to feel like they were closing in for me at a young age and it never got better.

I felt stress, shame and like I wasn’t worthy of having a nice, organized home from a very young age.

So once I was old enough to move out (I went to college at 18 and haven’t lived in my parent’s home since I was 21), I became obsessed with making a nice, organized home for myself. At literally every and any cost. No matter how crappy my apartments were in my broke 20s, I still did everything I could to make them feel homey and clutter free!

When I met my ex, he didn’t live in clutter but his place was not up to my standards (or most people’s if I can be honest, it was a bachelor pad shithole eek). So when we saw and signed the lease for this beautiful, clean, new apartment, I. got. to. work. I wanted us both to have the best, most comfortable living space that I thought we both deserved.

Because, you know, I’ve done some inner work and began to realize my belief that I didn’t deserve a nice place was bullshit.

So while I was scouring The Container Store website and plotting and blogging about organizing the space, his mental state was deteriorating quickly.

A few weeks after we moved in things came to a head and I experienced what was by far the worst night of my life. He moved out of the apartment (that had just started to get furnished) for about a month or so. After lots of work and conversations and apologies and tears, he moved back in. During that time apart, rather than focusing on me and the trauma from that night and healing from it and asking what it is I really deserve and want, I focused on him and his healing. It was a distraction. Because i know, honestly know, that if I focused on ME, I would have left him right then and there.

Instead, I distracted myself by focusing on healing him and us so he could move back in and we could have our nice, organized home that we had just moved into. I wanted to go back to normalcy, back to a “happy family”. I’m 36 and have never been married or have had kids. It’s something I truly want and I loved the idea of coming home from work and having dinner together. I loved when we got a dog and took shared responsibility of her. It was like a sneak peek into what marriage and family could look like.

But that’s all it was, a sneak peek. It was short lived. And it was so far from happy.

There were small moments here and there when he was loving and silly and made me feel sorta special but now that I’ve been distanced from the relationship for almost two months, I can see the truth. The majority of the time living together was in fear. There was violence and severe verbal and emotional abuse. I lived walking on eggshells and I could never relax. My health severely suffered (I was diagnosed in July, just a couple of weeks before the breakup with a massive stomach ulcer). I would go to work or to the gym and feel momentarily normal … because I wasn’t with him or talking to him.

He wasn’t the person I started dating in January 2020. He had become a complete stranger and, more accurately, an enemy. Of course, if anyone were to ask, he would put most, if not all, of the blame on me. He was very good at making me feel like I was the reason for all of our problems and started all of our arguments. I’m not saying this in a bitter way but rather as fact. I can see it now but, at the time, I believed it too. I would find myself apologizing for things that I knew I shouldn’t to keep the peace or because I thought “hmm I guess he’s right” when he said it was my fault or would make me feel crazy.

There’s so much more I could go into (and would love to share in the future, perhaps on TikTok so it can be more interactive?!). But my point here is that he and the relationship was toxic and because of my past limiting beliefs that I wasn’t worthy (of a nice place, nice things, a nice man, etc.), I stayed six months longer than I should have.

And because I was SO fixated on having a nice, organized home, I let myself be majorly mistreated. I thought that if the home was happy and healthy, that the relationship would be too. That I and he would be too. HA, most definitely not.

This is a prime example of the fact that things can look “perfect” on the outside but be falling apart on the inside. And that you can never judge anyone or anything because you don’t know what they’re going through. While I barely posted about him on social media this year, when I did, people would comment about how happy we looked. I had to smile and nod while the pit in my stomach grew, knowing that this man was terrorizing me on almost a daily basis. And I was not only lying to everyone else but most importantly to myself.

It is soooo hard to admit this to myself now! But it’s crucial that I do so in order to heal. I heard something recently that was a massive lightbulb moment and I’m hoping it may be for you too. And it went something like this:

You’ll continue to meet the same person in a different body until you learn the lesson.

*Cue the chills*

Because I don’t know about you but I’ve had horrible experiences in dating and they all seem to mimic each other in one way or another. And I’m finally done. I’m finally ready to learn the lesson. 

The reason I call my site Organized Overall is because I truly believe that in order to be truly organized, you must be in all areas of your life. Clutter is anything that doesn’t, or no longer, serves you. Whether that be the clothes in your closet or the toxic man you’re holding onto for whatever reason!

I plan to share (and hopefully more intelligently, this was pretty much a brain dump!) some more lessons I’ve learned so far in this breakup and on this journey. Because it has been so different from other ones. As one example, after every other breakup (even if it was just a situationship), I immediately jumped onto dating apps and tried to fill the void with someone new. This time? No desire whatsoever to download an app or date anyone right now. The switch that I had to detach from this relationship was so clear cut and obvious, something I’ve never experienced before. As I continue to uncover and learn more lessons, I want to share them. It’s selfishly therapeutic for me but also, hopefully, selflessly helpful to someone else.

As far as what’s next? Well, I temporarily moved into my shared family’s beach house (talk about therapeutic!). I have some big plans for the pup and I (yes, she’s in my care thankfully!) and as they become definite, I’ll be revealing them. Let’s just say I’m excited and optimistic for my future. Again, something I didn’t usually feel right after going through a traumatic breakup.

I’ll most likely pause all home organizing content for now but you can feel free to follow the Sort and Sweet IG page if you haven’t already to get your fix. And you can bet that once I move again in a few short months, the Move with Mary blog will start up all over again ;)

If you’ve been reading and following from the beginning, I appreciate you more than you know. Writing and organizing are two things that spark so much joy for me and now that I’m healing, I can focus on it without fear of what was waiting for me at home. I’m safe and happy now. 

If you are reading this and don’t feel safe, please know that you can ask for help and receive it. Contact a family member, a friend, me or a local DV advocacy group (you can access the National DV hotline here).

Speak again soon, friend.

xoxo